And more reasons why skate videos are like porn

they both give me a boner
the sound effects are essential
new tricks are always received well
fish eye lenses
only guys like them
only guys make them
(i guess i should insert elissa steamer in here somewhere, she crosses boundries, and probably also likes hardcore fisting like the rest of us dudes)
slapping tail
everyone tries to outdo each other with moves
you can't always get rid of your skate (and otherwise) boner by just not watching
busting on hips
"pole jamming"
sex and skating are illegal on private property
the people are cool
its an art form
you watch it with your guy friends sometimes, even though it can be awkward that one or more of them don't skate. i try to avoid people who dont skate, because they seem like a liability. like i am going to influence them into doing something, for lack of better terminology, un-kosher.

basically, i think that there should be a porn-skate video, that, the skating is part of the corny porn plot. like, chad muska gets home from a hard days skate (thats the skate part) to a house of screaming girls that want nothing more than his "circa" tatooed dick. then chad muska himself screws "barely legal" teens hardcore.

let me know how we can get into production of this. it will be sponsored by airwalk and bangbros.com

Stripes!

ever seen the movie stripes? Bill Murray. ghost bustin ass bill murray.

without further or due, i present the EM-50 Urban assult vehicle! "This is one heavily armed recreational vehicle."


and another, here,
and the big finale...
BOOM BABY.
yeah, so today some dudes came in to the bar that claimed that their GMC camper whatchamacallit was the one used in the movie. it seemed legit, considering their were some original artifacts left over from the movie. like some stickers and shit i guess. there warn't any guns or missals or girls in there, though, and bill murry was only seen on the VHS copy of the movie.
that movie is classic, by the way. and by "that movie" i mean "Bill Murray" is classic.

shantlebanterant

right now, im on my blog period; every 30 days, i have my period and am forced by my vagina to blog and blog and blog some more.

so much for menstruating.
MORE BLOG!!!!
Heres a question for all the lady blog readers--what does, "lavender in the mix," mean to you?
what it means to me is, "time to get freaky with a blender full of cough syrup. and... wait a sec... oh, i mean a gay magazine. kind of like this color, eh? Gay, right?"
eh? ehh?? what about "candles"? what does that mean to you?
what it means to me is, "time to light the menorah; find treasure, and finally, make like jerry seinfeld's cartoon career and go extinct. "

bad jokes, right? well have i got something to show you:


treasure candles--myth? or fact?
that's right, these puppies are real. how many people dreams just came true?? it's hard to believe that there is such a thing, and its so much fun!! so much in fact, that i have sat around a candle for its entirety just to get the charms, and golly, wasn't it exciting.

and now, for something completely different:






UP FROM THE 36 CHAMBERS

guess who's back mo fo's? back in action. til the day i die, die die.

what to say? i've had a lot of zany times while i was away, most of them meth induced. thats right people, METH.

So anyways, i was walking down grand avenue, when i had an epiphany; my goal in life was to go to the loon, buy a scratch off and win as much money as possible. i won $5 dollars, and found out that my purpose in life was meaningless. But i found a way better, more cost efficient life purpose! it was to make as many babies as possible. Any lady, anywhere, anytime. i walked down lyndale until i saw my first lady. i said, "hey lady, you want to have my babies?" she said, "no, but thats a real nice ski mask."

that was about the time i realized that i couldn't possibly get every girl i see pregnant.

i was depressed. i went to bobs java hut and punched a biker in the face. i felt better after that, but i needed to punch someone else. Preferably someone way way weaker then me. right then, i saw a little bitch hipster whom i immediately wanted to punch. i said, "hey little bitch ass hipster... fuck you!" he walked over to me pissed off as hell. i punched him squaa in the nose. he was gushing blood, but somehow i was not fulfilled. I said sorry and walked away, because he wasn't deserving of my punches.


"What to do, what to do," i said to myself, "think Ed, what should you do today?" it was then i discovered i had a gun in my pocket. i thought, "man i was wasted last night. well, i have a gun, i guess i have to shoot it." what a plan! so i walked down to the local urban outfitters to try on the gun. it looked good on me. so good, i shot the mirror. BAM! they kicked me out; i was pissed. i said, " fuck you, you cocksuckers, i didn't do anything" which was false, because i hit the mannequin behind the mirror. "boo hoo"
i said, "for you." IDGAFFFUO (i don't give a flying fuck for urban outfitters) anyways.



And now, for something completely different:






good day

ohhh, hold up.

yo this rap is dedicated to the officionado of rap flow, Dr. Hambone from CHI town.
yo yo yo i slap your face with my words like a dick
all you can do after that is get sick
i mean ick
yall can't handle my spits like acid makes ya trip
and fall down the stairs and down the hall
patty melt with some mushrooms
im the best man, but im hitting on your girl, grooms.
im like typhoons whirling shit all around
you cant see ground
flooding you with mad inspiration like it was perspiration
i sweat ideas, i've met the president of love
and presently hes at my door out of love
sad sight, up at night, with some ho's, taking no doze, blacking out, teethy grit
im hardcore like i've eaten bronze apples
i dont grapple, free hands minneapple!
like blue tooth.
not enough time to catch my flow? see it on my show, it was on an hour ago
it's called, "Smack In Action" on TNT
because im dy-no-mite
and high like a kite
cut my string and ill fly away from here
im not here

Give me a call for love i can't hide

This is a blog guest authored by Wade N. Water about concerns in the middle east and beyond.

obviously many of Ed's readers are as un-intelligent and self centered as Ed himself, because of how insensitive they are to problems plaguing our world and changing mother earth's "DNA," proving that americans as a whole don't mind ruining our earth and those who inhabit it. Ed talks about chopping heads off, masturbating and copulating with women all the time in his raps (if that's what you call them), when instead he should be talking about community and loving thy neighbor. Why is it, Ed, that you should think so self centeredly? do you not care about anything but swillin' forties and "hooking up like Cunningham to Carter?" it makes me ill to think you aren't active in world progress, and you should probably rot in hell. seriously, i love you, but only as much as one step cousin can. you push my buttons so hard that they stay stuck for days and i can't focus on anything that i do because i'm so fucking pissed off at you and everything that you objectify. which is everything--everything that you touch turns into yours somehow and you won't let it go, you selfish bastard, look at yourself. you can't even tie your own shoes so you started a brand that only sells slip-ons and velcro. I just fucking hate you so much most of the time because you treat me like shit and always talk shit at me in your raps and it hurts really bad. i dont melt like lard, and you know it.
and now in the words of Alan Jackson,
Remember when I was young and so were you
and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when
and also, Disturbed,
Sensation washes over me
I can't describe it
Pain I felt so long ago
I don't remember
Tear a hole so I can see
My devastation
Feelings from so long ago
I don't remember
I couldn't say it better, so i used these lyrics to reach out.
this has been emotional for me, and Ed i love you too much, it kills me. like alan jackson and disturbed.

agamaba yah trick

claw'n mother fuckers like a falcon
talons so sharp its like i'm cutting air
bitches step at me but stop like aerobics
looking stupid like pilates
pirates say arrr but im raw like meat butchered yesterday
splat slip slack smack attack on ya back like whack
crap is what you look like
you nutty friend, and im tryin ta crush you to butter
crash the car into the barn
sweaters made from yarn
clasp pinch on yo nipple
shockin you 10,000 volts make yo brain ripple
the wake is big so you can mctwist
weight sacks is phat like pregnant
eating up pudding and cant stop til you belligerant
on sugar and cocoa leaves baking soda crack
freebasin is like a liberated floor
in the ocean with them lectric eels
lecture cutin like a peachy professor
smother you brother with a pillow filled with love
puffy and i comb like im a bad boy
criss cross you x marks the spot
that ill swipe your treasure and leave you to rot
in debt forever, lets go off to never never
hook aint got shit on my swordsmanship
im beating mother, yo is it better to born a crip or become a crip later?
im down like a clown charlie bbbrrrrooow ch ch charlie browww
unibrow like an eastern european
drink too much brew and european
cramm blamm test you like a tube
crack you like glass
and break backs with a slap and a clap
the clap got you pissin needles
im spittin shanks like sophies family
making yall bleed like hemopheliacs
donate dont hate relate and phuck fate
phospherous blocks r us linking logs big red purple blue black white no bras
blogs word to your mother if she out there like space
skeet on your face and belate your birthday
ray, you cant major in conspiracy piracy is illegal like drugs
bust through your window got metallica at your throat with a knife
it maybe trife but thats life like the game
go to college be a doctor wait for payday
have a payday like elephants love that shit
mo's here, so i better quit it's over wit.

in the year 2000...

...there will be rotating buildings completely powered by solar and wind energy.
http://www.mydigitallife.info/2007/05/25/futuristic-rotating-tower-skyscraper-in-dubai/

donald trump will sponsor many blockbusted real estate deals making him more and more filthy rich

the kentucky derby is today

sorry for these sad pictures of horses falling. "its depressing", as Clare would say. *sigh*

"you and i forever" is my favorite horse's name.
he lost. probably due to his weak name.

lame ass game: http://www.gwn.com/news/story.php/id/11933/G1_Jockey_Wii_Details.html

lame ass bar joke: "you know where the money is now? syphen pumps"
lame ass response: "hahahahahahahhahahahah" lol lol lol

good quote from drunk dude i got last night. something like "if you dont gimme a winner, ill beat you like a red headed step-child" as well as this gem "your killing me. leave me with a few dollars to get beers and drown my sorrows"

fuck this song. this dude loves this song and it sucks ass. its got a one noted 25 second feedback part and it sucks. its one of those dramatic blues songs with melencholy guitar fills that suck ass.
i feel like being GG Allin right now, and sing, "suck my ass it smells" and getting naked and shitting and throwing shit on people.

no not really. heres a sweet website: www.freerice.com
super addictive.

everyone but one man has left the bar. people want to be outside and have picknics and play basketball, hackey sack, smoke weed, drink sangria all in the fresh air. all i want right now, is to blog outside. only 2.5 hours of fun left.

Grammaphalamapittynagaphentrantulate

yo yo yo
rock hard rhymes like my dick when i see leeann rhymes (not really)
bells ringing, chingaling chimes, nickles and dimes, nick does slimes
frank grimes, or "Grimey"
ill to the bone marrow, you walking weak looking sick
thugs haven't seen me, the true OG work his narcotic magic
Shoot bitches in the head when im shorted
money money too much money to even sort it
the flow is deep im walking on sunshine
smoking, roaching, bliztin', blazen, o graising weed is not a crime
get on the floor to bump and grind
50-50 360 kickflip out, down a 10 foot drop has gotten me front page of thrasher magazine for the third time
im out with that rhyme, and into a new suit
its that spade; new suede, same zoot
raw raw rabble. grapple up that mountain to get that forbidden apple
snapple is like 15% juice, got me asking, "unhealthy?"
yes.
you got me humming like a bird, its that spoken word soul
huntron got the tip on making that shit turn gold
not green like mold get you sick,
like malaria from that deer tick
sneer and peer at everyone who looks hard
you soft mother fucker, look, you melting like lard
fool, make an example of lame rappers like a text book
professor smack handles the whack like hes black
which he's not. he takes you to school, and eats you like a snack
wrappers pollute. pick up your trash and recycle. ride a bike.
think globally act locally, its that simple
you think that your dimples can be fed like dumplings
or noodles, oodles many more than the companies.

"what is this mother fucker even rapping about anyways?"
"yeah, yeah.."
"he's been rapping this same goddam way for like twenty minutes"
"yaaap."


Theres my font.

jaded, half faded and hand headed
took off in the alley and peeled out the banana skid in the cul de sac
gladys the crazy cat lady stoops it up after she had took a nap
kids doing homework in their studies, all square like
learning there ain't no squares in nature, dyke

god i hate you, facebook apps.

suck on that, facebook apps.

Mark Ritsema

okay marky mark have it your way.
forget Estrada, and remember Mark Ritsema, address 2203 garfield avenue, 55409, mpls, mn.
(1988-2008)

Mark was born in Orange City Iowa on June something 1988, to mother (name) and father (forgot his too).
Mark was not an only child, he was the "runt" being second born, to much attentioned brother Davis Ritsema.
Mark grew up a happy child, even making it to the cover of Minnesota Parent when he was 7. he enjoyed going to glen mason basketball camps, and skateboarding.
Mark went to Fulton elementary, later to be named Lake Harriet Community School. the mascot is a dragon. He was involved in the social climate, and was well liked by his peers. Once, Mark was skateboarding and, well, he just threw up a little bit. just a little.
Mark had a good childhood, with good friends, and influential music, like CSN, and Magnetic Fields. but in 10th grade, things took a turn for the worst, and started a downward spiral into sorrow and darkness, because of the shame he had for being in the shadow of Davis' fame coming from the success of the pop-punk band Scholar's Dispute.
Mark has since longed for fame, and leads a staggered lifestyle of drinking and listening to Feist heavily. The ups are unreal and the downs are too real... I just... i just can't focus. my mind... it's like a kaleidescope, twisting, so many colours turning and growing i can't see anything else. yes!
yes! i need this, "I have so much present inside my present
Inside my present and so
So much past inside my present
Inside my present inside my present"

mark died of voyeurism to the head, when perverts were looking into his window on april 23rd 2008

erik estrada

once i google more of this guy, i will destroy him. Emotionally. Erik, you goin' downn buddy, next week on SMACKDOWN!!!

tips for living the dream

i would like to let you all know an insiders view of running a successful bar, therefore ejaculating in miss america's spread eagle, making one look as this ;-)
rule # 1 is the most important rule for making the wet dream happen: sell out. you must sell out, and become a very sad, lonely human profiting on alcoholics and gambling addicts alike. Your ego must be protected like a fortress, letting no trojan horse into your vagina.


gamblers need entertainment. many gamblers are scoozeballs, and like to finger workers publicly for a ticket. this worker must be willing to be fingered. (very important)

--Come on now ed, you're taking this too far. bars do not perpetuate abuse of the body, i mean i've never seen this happen in the bar i'm at, and it's absurd to think it happens. would you tone down the exaggerations?

NO. Bars are ment for the abusive. they are meant for lonely souls to finger and be fingered publicly. the drunken people of america need a place where rubbing middle aged women is accepted. enough said.

Rule #2 goes along with the thesis of selling-out. sell out. sell out the best way possible, and put beer advertisements in every nook and cranny visible. this will grant you free tables, barstools, coasters, and signs advertising the slutty middle-aged meat raffle woman.

Rule #3 free entertainment. no matter the quality, just let it be free.

Ed, don't you work for a bar, and don't you get paid a lot of money?

yeah....

So, you're pretty much shooting yourself in the foot right here, aren't you? i mean, talking bad about bars and all that? what's your logic.

god dammit, you fucking idiot. making me explain myself all the time. i really hate that side of you, Wade. my logic is that i'm telling someone looking to open up a bar the prime things that you need to do. talking down to it is putting it into a context in which idiots can see. selling out= living the american dream. If you want to become a rich american, i'm telling you how you can do it.

so get out there kids, and knock america up with semen, and out will come money--like an ATM.

rancid stomach burns gum.

baseball season is here!

isn't baseball sweet?

hipsters!

i love hipsters.

(BTW, regardless if you luv hipsters or not, i've enabled comments to be public so anyone can comment!)

here comes the blithering idiot

blast off to the planet mars/ edharringtonn smacks the bars
Clamp the shanty lamp/ air the heightly ramp/ shine above the blimp/ SKY PIMP! SKY PIMP!
rats wrap cats with snacks / wheeze holds down these tracks
maps aired satellite pictures of west villiage/ greenwich hitting up alternative new age
nuances bounce roll and wither/ when you hear my shiny rhymes you come hither
Blithering idiot spitting gold from my mouf/ Like ludacris punchin yo lights out
kickin it old school like vans/ off the wall into a trance
hacking and cackling comes with dank/ girls watch out, cuz i like to spank
they call me Corporal Punishment/ bitchasses give shit up for lent
watch me, all my money spent/ watch me, im hoppin rent

smack intamately,
ed harrington

John Edwards: an account of a douchebag

Fuck john edwards (the Psychic) for making millions on account of the gullible American's that buy his book "What if God Was the Sun", or "Crossing Over", or during sweeps week in 2001 after the sept. 11 bombings, when you tried to make a smashing on the misfortune of the victim's families only about a month after the tragedy. suck our dicks, Edwards.
(look at edwards being a cocksucker, as usual) ed, why the hostility towards this guy? he's just making a good idea to make money. that's capitalism, isn't it?
-no, it's damned misfortunate for the human race to be blemished by this d-bag. It's like America is the ho at the frathouse, roofied and passed out, and every single one of those bros, is john edwards, and he's going at that girl with books, t.v shows, books on tape, you name it, john edwards is using it to fuck you with.

anyways...

Edwards on the high demand for Television appearences; "My definition, it was John Edward and television, comma or semicolon, after 'Crossing Over' wasn't picked up. I felt like I needed to make it a period, and every time I made it a period, somebody erased it and said, 'No, no, make it a comma. It's just a comma right now.'"

you wanted to make it a period, huh. yeah, it would feel pretty good to menstruate once a month wouldn't it, john? you might need to use your head to clean up that mess down there, wouldn't you, John?

one day i'll be able to lay into this guy, on his own turf. time to get onto his show...

shit, i'm a shithead. but me compared to john edwards is like comparing a mango smoothie to something that contestants eat on "Fear Factor". Better a shithead than a douchebag.

fuck, someone just busted their shit falling off a barstool. they've been on the ground for a good minute.

i'd like to offer some lyrics to a song that has not been made yet. feel free to use them in your own songs if you'd like...

heyyy friend/i want to let you know/of a bed i can lend/that's soft as snow
at the Royal Senesta/in Boston, it be/ come play canasta/ one day you'll see how fun it will be/ just you and me having some tea
party, party! on the Harbor tonight/ let's sink the ship/ we'll frink up a fright!
slamma jamma/ cool kids, mc hamma/ reagle the beagle/ battle with scrabble
frivolous feverish frantic fanatics/ come from the county fair/ the freaks, the geeks, the chic and the weak/ models eat for me, prudes *bleep* for me, amnesiacs sleep with me, kidneys pee with glee
stalk the boardwalk and chalk the blacktop/ sleep high in the clouds with gnomes and Holmes/ solve mysteries, no time to freeze/ saving tibet is not too far off/ we've gotta stop the chinese from changing all of our nice friends/ from the land of monk, peace, sand mandalas, and gathuk (is fun!) so sign this petition, if you love me/ if you love Tibet

http://www.avaaz.org/en/tibet_end_the_violence/98.php/?cl_tf_sign=1

smack intimately,
edharringtonn

this blog is dedicated to Kate Farstead.

cats. i want to talk about how much i like cats.
i bring this up because i have a cat that is cuddling with me right now, and it's the tip of the tip in cuteness, and i never want it to end.
i like cats because they purr, cuddle, play, and annoy the hell out of me sometimes. I feel like everyone should have a cat at some point in their lives, because of the aforesaid actions of them. One of my favorite things to do with a cat is get my face all up on it and motorboat it with much passion. it makes me very gooey inside, and hard outside to even think about it. i can't stand it anymore! time for what i call a "trip to a place called happiness"...*snuggles face on cats midrift, does it again, time for another but focus on the face a bit more this time* ohhh yeah that was good shit!
well, i can't blog anymore, because i like this cat more than ya'll.

BLOG ORGY

Yo. Sick fish.

BTW, check out Animal Face-Off by Discovery Channel on youtube. they have Gorilla V. Leopard, or giant squid V. Sperm whale, ETC.

Let's see...

Bloggin During Class. Righteous.

what else can i look up on google?

<--Still from first video of a live giant squid. 21Ft (7 meters) caught on camera by japanese researchers.

Class over. I'll update this blog asoon MUDDAFUCKAzzz.